Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company
help desk. How may I help you?
Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv6.0…you
know….the freeware. I don’t understand it. Can tell me how to install it?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma’am. Do you have the installation
disk and instructions with you?
Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma’am. LOVE is a unique program,
there is no other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to
your operating system and runs silently in the background.
You will never see LOVE on your monitor or your toolbar,
but you will notice its affect on every application you have.
It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly
restricts and/or deletes the bad ones.
Customer: Wow! That sounds great.
How does LOVE make my machine run smoother?
Service Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV,
ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV
will play frequently.
Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time
there is an external violation, including the ever-popular
Also, all those aggravating errors that say “unable to connect”
will be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with
external devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in,
the brand name, or the age of the model.
Customer: That’s exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated
for too long. But what about the bad programs?
Service Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like
HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and
SPITE.EXE. These programs can’t be entirely deleted off
your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs.
LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its
own instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV
and you won’t be able to write with the fonts “BADWORDS12″
Customer: That’s a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too?
Service Rep: They sure are ma’am.
Customer: How do I get the upgrades?
Service Rep: That’s easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running,
it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external
Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact
with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they
have and return a module to your HEART.
You will be upgraded with each and every module that you receive.
But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades you
have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with
other computers while it is running.
Customer: I can do that. I’m not very technical, but I think
I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART.
Have you located your, HEART ma’am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.
Is it okay to install while they are running?
Service Rep: What programs are running ma’am?
Customer: Let me see….I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE,
GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory,
but it will no longer disrupt other programs.
LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module
of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE.
However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and
RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from
being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?
Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE.
Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and
RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I’m done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?
Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for
the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops…I have an error message already. What should I do?
Service Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says “ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON
INTERNAL COMPONENTS.” What does that mean?
Service Rep: Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem.
It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS
but has not yet been run on your HEART.
It is one of those complicated programming things,
but in non-technical terms it means you have to “LOVE”
your own machine before it can “LOVE” others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Service Rep: Can you find the directory called “SELF-ACCEPTANCE”?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Service Rep: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy
them to the “MYHEART” directory; FORGIVESELF.DOC,
SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and
GOODNESS .DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting
files and begin patching any faulty programming.
Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories,
and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is
completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows
that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM
are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running.
You should be able to handle it from here.
One more thing before I go…
Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various module
to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people
and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.